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A court hearing this morning showed kale facing off against White Suburban Moms in the battle for kale’s only off spring, baby kale. Fighting on behalf of the WSM’s was, Britt Vendt, NYC lawyer known for her successful cases against child labor and child prostitution.

“Kale is an irresponsible parent whose motives can’t be trusted. What loving parent would put their child in the hands of big supermarkets?” Vendt asked. She went on to compare kale to a greedy celebrity trying to make a buck off their kid, “Then recants upon realizing the kid is more famous than they are. Despicable is what it is.”

Kale started off with a deposition about how proud it was of baby kale, which devolved into an embarrassing tangent about how baby kale had been washed of its roots and culture. “You don’t even get massaged before you’re tossed salad? What are you a whore?” Kale was escorted from the premises, looking rather green in the face, to the delight of WSM’s who were chomping at the bit for a smoothie.