Best Good Samaritan

Day 3 of a 7 day self-imposed writing challenge to write about my day in less than a thousand words

When I was drunk at Urban Outfitters last summer I bought a maroon romper. I was going to steal it but every so often reason penetrates the stratosphere of intoxication and I manage to keep myself out of jail. I haven’t worn it since then, when I was working in publishing and going to parties with too many Jello shots—you know, thoroughly hating myself. (The hate I harbor for myself now is reserved for things about the size of my pinky finger, which is chubbier than the others). The reason I wore the romper today is I’m trying to show up more in my own life. Meditation is on the horizon, but getting dressed in something besides yesterday’s leggings is a good enough start. I put eyeliner on too, even though ever since I saw Margot Tananbaum I knew I could never do justice to eyeliner.

I can’t be depressed if I keep trying, right?

The kindest thing I did all day was give a car a ticket. I didn’t initiate the ticket – I have not become a meter maid in the last 8-12 hours – so I guess it’d be more accurate to say I gave a car back it’s ticket. I was headed to my apartment when I saw the orange slip of doom blowing across the sidewalk. I wanted to keep walking – bending over is a great effort since I started CrossFit – but then I remembered nothing interesting had happened to me yet today and I was going to have to write about something. I put the ticket on the car it was closest to, confirming the license plate and my status as best good Samaritan. Even though the Lexis owner with the ACK sticker is going to be pissed off, he/she is not going to be as pissed off as he/she would have been had they acquired a late fee in addition to a ticket they didn’t know they had. It’s always the cruelest twist of fate when you’re punished on top of being punished, which is how I feel every time I quit coffee: The punishment for drinking too much caffeine is jitters, poor sleep and anxiety, but the solution – a morning without coffee – is certainly its own hell. Sigh, green tea, sigh. If there’s a way to win in this world I am not playing right, or so I think until I enter the online heaven that is Urban Outfitters. I am not drunk but I do buy another romper because I can’t resist making a day come full circle. This one is bright yellow, on sale from $98 to $24 and comes with the promise of turning me into a banana. They’ll probably never call me Chicky Chiquita but that’s because they’ll probably never call me at all.