there are two types of women in this world

knows her mother / buys Hallmark cards

believes in the enduring power of the human spirit / thinks an apple is dessert

was born with a penis / wasn’t

keeps flowers until they disintegrate / goes to therapy

would not fuck her cousin / first or second?

practiced witch craft until high school / has a good relationship with her father

doesn’t think about her thighs / knows where to get an amputation

can take care of herself / was always a food group for Halloween

knows oysters are best in cold weather months / never ate her boogers

has a sister / doesn’t

knows where the nearest dry cleaner is / hears “steamer” and thinks warm milk with a pump of vanilla

has an herb garden / thinks vegetables are for liars

knows what intersectional feminism is / needs to read Bitch Magazine

reads to live / has a tidy bookshelf with other props on it like small crying elephants

uses a diva cup is / doesn’t think big tampon companies want to destroy her happy place

used to like when chlorine turned her hair green / has a white board calendar

would not propose / sends the bread basket back if it’s not warm enough

knows this list is mostly bullshit / wants to agree on the definition of “BS” before she answers