New Year Old Me (kind of)

 

I still drink too much coffee and eat too much dessert. I still spend a lot of time wondering if I am good enough to write a second book/chatarunga with my knees up/put gas in my car. Self-doubt abounds and I’m usually chalk full of caffeine and semi-sweet chocolate and sometimes nicotine. These are the vestiges of old me that have stayed intact. But the biggest way that I am different is that wine is no longer my best friend, arch nemesis, fairy god mother, etc. Also I take Prozac (yay big pharma) which is not a magic pill, but does help keep my anxiety in check. The combination of ditching booze and starting an anti-depressant in the latter half of 2017 has made my life about a hundred times more manageable. My body is a place I am learning to live in and since I can’t easily trade shells, this is a good thing indeed. I still love doing yoga. I still run a couple miles on occasion and never more than three. I still write every day, both in my journal and on my computer, either fiction or poetry or nonsensical madness that I look at fondly. I still fool myself into thinking I can do things like a Whole 30, as if yogurt and oatmeal aren’t the best things south of Mars, only to disappoint myself immensely. I still haven’t started a meditation practice. I still haven’t finished the book I started reading two weeks ago. I still love my mother a whole lot and think the Christmas gift I gave her was pretty dope (a handmade journal with 52 prompts for her to complete each week this year). I still get stomach aches and weird acne even though I’m 24-almost-25. I still wake up early and feel a thrill in my body when I read particular lines of poetry. I still love dogs more than humans and could up my social media game and generally be a better driver, but this year I didn’t make thirteen New Year’s Resolutions. In 2018 I have an intention and that is staying power: to be present, to be here, in this body, in this mind, in this life. Which is vague, I know. And they say your goals should be specific and measurable (or whatever SMART stands for), but this year I’m taking a gentler approach, which is also pretty new me.

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