For Lunch, Let’s Have a Feelings Salad

Because I feel cold and closed off and walled in. Do you ever get like that? I build a fort inside myself and don’t come out until someone makes banana bread. No one’s making banana bread. It’s November, a notoriously lonely month for me and my razor*. So dark! So bare! I want to make a fire and watch it burn while drinking a glass of wine, then six more. Instead I am in the library wrestling with book #2. I know that there is a story there, but I’m stuck. Stuck like gum in hair. And then the doubt starts to creep in: You can’t write another book, you silly quack! You only had one book in you and now that that’s done you may as well find a nice bridge to cozy up under because you’re done. D-O-N-E  done like the turkey will be next week (poor Turkeys. Don’t you love birds and want to become a vegan with me?) So I start feeling sorry for myself and everything else on the goddamn planet including the leaves because they’ve fallen from such great heights and now they’re down here with the rest of us getting stepped on. Poor leaves. You know what I need? A Poopsicle. That’s what you have for dessert after you have a Feelings Salad for lunch. Probably I will also need to eat a real lunch and then I will return to book 2 and all of this will pass by the end of the afternoon. Nothing gold can stay and neither can anything rusty.  How nice is that? Life is a carousel of plastic ponies – up and down, up and down. Sometimes I get a little nauseous, but it’s not half bad in my corner of the fair.

*Get it? No shave November? How bad is a joke if I have to explain it?

there are two types of women in this world

knows her mother / buys Hallmark cards

believes in the enduring power of the human spirit / thinks an apple is dessert

was born with a penis / wasn’t

keeps flowers until they disintegrate / goes to therapy

would not fuck her cousin / first or second?

practiced witch craft until high school / has a good relationship with her father

doesn’t think about her thighs / knows where to get an amputation

can take care of herself / was always a food group for Halloween

knows oysters are best in cold weather months / never ate her boogers

has a sister / doesn’t

knows where the nearest dry cleaner is / hears “steamer” and thinks warm milk with a pump of vanilla

has an herb garden / thinks vegetables are for liars

knows what intersectional feminism is / needs to read Bitch Magazine

reads to live / has a tidy bookshelf with other props on it like small crying elephants

uses a diva cup is / doesn’t think big tampon companies want to destroy her happy place

used to like when chlorine turned her hair green / has a white board calendar

would not propose / sends the bread basket back if it’s not warm enough

knows this list is mostly bullshit / wants to agree on the definition of “BS” before she answers
















10 facts

  1. Last week I invested in a pair of acrylic talons to keep myself from picking at my skin while I’m trying to write this second book which is hard and wonderful and sometimes like biting into an apple only to find a jelly fish
  2. It’s getting cold in New Hampshire
  3. Sometimes I think the world is ending and I should go drink wine in my closet while petting my Birkenstocks. Other times I remember I’m not my thoughts and instead go to yoga and write a poem and feel like I’m a small part of the universe’s machine, but a part all the same
  4. Therapy is a paid friendship with a higher probability of getting good advice. Must. Go. Every. Week.
  5. I had a venti coffee at 5:45 a.m. because I can’t seem to sleep in the morning which is cool because I like leaving the house when there are still stars but uncool cause, like,  it’s only 7:15 and I’ve already been up for  two hours
  6. I’m wearing my high school letterman jacket which makes me feel lame but also like a model
  7. I’m having an eczema flair up on my face so I straightened my hair to distract my audience from my red scaly situation (by “audience” I mean the six to nine people I interact with on a daily basis, hi)
  8. This isn’t ten facts, it’s eight, but that’s okay. Math is a construct.

Creepy Paul

On Twitter this morning I discovered #MeToo and at first I was all, I shouldn’t contribute. I’ve “only” been: verbally assaulted while eating a sausage on the street, pressured into sex by people I was in relationships with, cat called times a million, texted inappropriately in high school by a married man hitting on pictures of me and my friends on Facebook…and then I was like, oh duh. That’s the fucking point. These are not tiny, insignificant, isolated incidents. This is sexual assault and it’s happening all the time.

One of the more uncomfortable incidents I already tweeted about, but it involved a man I frequently saw while out to breakfast with my parents. I started calling him Creepy Paul because even at nine years old I could tell he gave me too much unwanted attention, then one day he kissed me on the cheek when I was going to the bathroom. It made me feel disgusting and ashamed. I don’t remember if I told my parents or if I gave them an excuse for not wanting to go back to one of our favorite breakfast spots, but I’ve been avoiding that diner for years. I don’t know for certain, but I probably wasn’t the only little girl Creepy Paul assaulted– how frightening and angering and fucked up and disgusting of him.

Besides sharing this information, I don’t really know what to “do” about this and I’m frustrated that I don’t have a solution. I do know that it’s been helpful to hear about other women’s encounters with sexual harassment, particularly on blogs I love, like this one.

And so we keep going.

List of Things That Have the Potential to Turn Me On

  1. On-sale kombucha
  2. When I snag a parking space that has another parking space ahead of it, allowing me to pull up and avoid the dreaded hassle of backing out of Starbucks
  3. Starbucks
  4. Dreams in which I cast a patronus
  5. Pooping in a public bathroom only to realize there’s only one sheet of toilet paper left only to realize that I only need one sheet of toilet paper
  6. Justin Bieber
  7. Rye bread
  8. Popping a pimple and it hits the mirror
  9. Popping someone else’s pimple and it hits me. lawl, sry
  10. Girls in Levis
  11. Guys in Birkenstocks
  12. How the laundry smells when my mom brings it in from the clothes line (I regret that the word “mom” is on this list)
  13. A new episode of Broad City
  14. When someone orders a glass of milk at the bar
  15. (I’m the only one I know who does that ^ …guess I have the potential to turn myself on)
  16. Writing the fucking dopest sentence and/or reading one
  17. Group-crying in the movie theater (the time I saw The Fault In Our Stars comes to mind)
  18. Rompers
  19. When my boyfriend wears my t-shirts
  20. Jk I want my shit back.
  21.  Eye balling million dollar apartments that I also have a moral quandary with
  22. Sun burns (not the blistering kind)
  23. Stealing brazil nuts from the bulk bins at Whole Foods
  24. Who came up with the saying “turned on?” Frankly it turns me off